Most of us have sex. Most of us have roommates. Here’s a helpful guide to make sure the two never conflict (unless you’re sexing your roommate, in which case, good luck when that ends!)
1. It’s never a secret when somebody in your house is having sex, so don’t treat it like one. Start by having a discussion with your roommates. Ask them if your fun night is keeping them up and distracting them from playing “Flappy Bird.” Set some ground rules, share your schedules and make sure that everyone is comfortable.
2. Being able to have sex whenever and wherever can sometimes feel like a privilege that comes with moving away from home. However, communal living comes with restrictions: It means not having sex in your roommates’ rooms, on your roommates’ beds, in common spaces and especially not on the kitchen table.
3. If you share a room with somebody, never have sex while your roommate is in the room — he or she will know. No amount of sleep deprivation or “It’s OK — he’s a really deep sleeper!” will prevent your roommate from hearing you. Those aren’t natural grunts, tosses and turns coming from your roommate. It’s universal polite-roommate code for, “Get out, I can hear you!”
4. Nothing will drown out your noise like a bass-heavy speaker system. Personal recommendations: Beyonce’s Beyonce, AlunaGeorge’s Body Music and Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange. Don’t like my recommendations? There’s a whole Last.fm forum titled SexMusic full of other suggestions.
Alternatively, if you have a television, turn on “Game of Thrones.” I recommend looping the “Dracarys” scene from season three. Not only is it the best scene in the history of television, but also it is loud and full of fire! Nothing says — or covers up — sex like a dragon burning a man alive, right?
5. Protip: If you have a bed that touches the wall, pull the bed back a few inches from the wall so that there is a small gap between it and your headboard. This will prevent your bed from banging against the wall. That way, your friends in the other room can enjoy their peace and quiet as they discover which food matches their personalities in the latest BuzzFeed quiz.
6. If you have a bed filled with the springs of 1,000 hells and you want to avoid the obnoxious and give-away creaking, why not move to the floor? Extra points if you have a lambskin rug to use as a cushion.
7. Outkast said it best: “I know you’d like to think your shit don’t stink.” But let’s face it: Sex does smell. Be courteous and open a window. Pheromones and latex may be your favorite incense, but they are probably not your roommate’s!
8. Clean up after yourself. That means undergarments, bodily excrements and the body chocolate, too. Protip: Keep a box of tissues near your bed with a trash can within throwing distance.
9. If you want to avoid this brand of communal living challenges altogether — and if you’re feeling particularly adventurous — you could always pull a Nadia Cho and find a room with a locked (optional) door in Main Stacks.
10. If you are sleeping with your roommate, ignore these steps. Feel free to do it in common space. Added points if you make it to the kitchen table.
Maturity comes with responsibility. Follow these rules when having sex so that everyone involved — you, your partner(s) and roommates — can enjoy themselves.
Contact Samuel Avishay at email@example.com.